Monday the twentieth of July, twenty-twenty.

I haven’t been writing as much down & I think it’s to do with lack of motivation. I feel the need to only write when my creative brain is working better & I have more energy to do so, but that also kind of defeats the purpose. The idea of therapeutic writing is to also write when you’re not feeling so good.

Today has felt really shit to be honest. On top of living with a long-term eating disorder, I also live with recurrent depressive disorder & as the diagnosis states..it’s recurring depression. My symptoms kind of range, so at times it’s been really severe, but sometimes things feel much better & the symptoms are a lot more mild & manageable. I wouldn’t say my depression has lead to me being a stereotype of ‘staying in bed’, because I’m a compulsive exerciser, so I’ve usually been forced against doing that & forcing myself to exercise when I haven’t felt the will to do anything else. It’s more about the other symptoms & the depth of the darkness of the thoughts.

I sometimes have days where I can’t face things. Anxieties have held me back from leaving the house many times before. At times… I get the days where I do just want to stay in bed – today has been one of those days. It feels so much easier to do what the depression wants, but it’s on these days where you need to put those recovery skills into practice no matter how much you don’t want to. Some days will be more successful than others. Some days it may take longer to do what you need. Some days you just won’t be able to find an ounce of motivation in you, but it’s okay to accept those days as well. It’s not okay to accept those days day-in-day-out to the point where depression has taken over.

I stayed in bed for a good while today & that’s definitely not like me at all. I woke up, I felt anxious & stressed & I just wanted to bury my head in the sand. I also didn’t feel very well & was exhausted. I went back to sleep. I woke up… I tried to do something to help myself, but just got anxious & upset all over again. I cried. I don’t like letting myself cry. I feel guilty when I cry & it doesn’t sit comfortably with me. I know if someone said that to me..I wouldn’t tell them crying isn’t okay, so why am I applying that to myself? I let myself cry. It was also the healthier option in comparison to other behaviours I’d use, so I just allowed myself to have that moment. I then had the urge to just pick up my phone & end all of my treatment & input with all of my outpatient support, because all my head was telling me was that ‘I don’t deserve anyone’s support’. I took a moment. I stopped myself from being counterproductive because I knew I wasn’t in a state to make any rational decisions. I went back to sleep.

I stayed in bed until 2pm. I still didn’t want to move. My head was still in a spin taking me on flashbacks to this time 3 years ago. Not memories I wanted to think about. Memories questioning why I survived, but instead of dwelling over why I survived I came to the conclusion that there wasn’t any point in questioning it when here I am having survived. Questioning things from the past won’t change the reality of the here & now. Memories can be painful & that’s okay. They’re painful for a reason. They’re painful because they mattered, because they created something that had some kind of a lasting impact on us. It’s okay that I felt that way.

I got up in the end. I needed to take my meds that I was supposed to have taken at 9am. Whatever’s going on in the day or in the world or in my mind…it is never a solution to not take my meds. That would be a very counterproductive idea/action – I’ve learned that from prior experience & it’s destructive for me. I took my magic pills. I also showered to make myself feel more refreshed & a bit better. I opened the curtains & windows in my room like I would have done in the morning, because it doesn’t matter when your day has started as long as you make it start or at least do something just a little bit better than what you felt like doing.

I took myself into the garden in the end. Again…I didn’t feel like doing something good for myself, but…I ventured out & spent time tidying the fairy garden. It helped make me feel a bit better thankfully. Fresh air is always something I appreciate & my imagination is where my happy place is, so wandering off into fairy land was a good distraction on this occasion.

I also ordered a washing machine as ours died a washing machine death yesterday (I want to say for my parents, but my dad’s never washed any clothes in his entire life!) It’s a boring fact, but I get a sense of satisfaction when my dad gives me his credit card 😂 & I also quite enjoyed choosing, because it would have sat uncomfortably if he’d have ordered ‘whatever’…it was satisfying ordering one identical to the dryer. Probably got a bit obsessional over ordering a washing machine, but it was at least more helpful researching washing machines than it was to focus on the alternative.. 🙊

Today has felt quite minimal in terms of how I’ve spent it, but I survived it. I’ve felt really shitty, but that’s just how life works sometimes. I don’t need to validate why. Today..it made more sense because of what memories have sparked off in my mind, but other days are going to occur as well & that’s okay too. I can’t reject how I feel, however uncomfortable it might be. Rejecting it doesn’t help & sometimes you have to sit with & learn to accept & tolerate it. Plenty of days have felt crap recently, but haven’t had the impact on my day like today has had.

What’s helpful is that I know my triggers & I have awareness over the times in the year that I struggle. It’s difficult at the moment & I have to be mindful of that, because without being mindful..I risk slipping back into a more severe, longer-term episode.

I have to accept that today has been what it’s been & not writing about it is another way of me trying to reject that a bad day has existed. Life has its ups & downs, but we can’t pretend that we only experience the good & only share the positives with others. Shit happens & we can’t reject it because that just creates a false illusion to everyone that none of us are allowed to be vulnerable or verbalise the bad. We all enable one another to reject the lows in life by not sharing them. We all have a responsibility to make it okay to talk about mental health on a spectrum. We all have a responsibility to look after one another’s mental health & we can do that by enabling difficult conversations.

If you’ve had a bad day today…you really aren’t on your own with that. Talk about it!

I leave this with a quote I like in relation to all of this..;

‘Everyday may not be good, but there is something good in every day.’

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