It feels like I’ve been watching myself get taken back over by Anorexia. It feels like one of those bad dreams you want to wake up from, but the reality is…I am awake & this is my life. Recently it feels as though I’ve been standing behind a mirrored window where I can see out, but nobody can see in. It’s like I’m trapped in this room watching a story unfold without being able to intervene even when I’ve watched the manipulating anorexic take over this girl, but I can’t get out of this room & nobody can hear me. I’ve felt detached. I’ve felt confused as to the identity of the girl I see through this window. Sometimes I feel like I recognise her, because she looks exactly me, but she isn’t doing what I wish she’d do. At times I stand in this room with all the answers & all the motivation in the world to go & help this girl, but it’s like it’s all so useless because I can’t use any of it whilst ever I’m trapped here. At other times…I feel so lost in the story that I feel detached from myself & I’m there living my life through anorexia’s rose-tinted glasses. I’m tired & I can’t see a way out of here…this room is so dark that I can’t see anything other than the life through this window that anorexia wants me to see. I can’t see a way out & I find myself becoming more absorbed in this bad dream I’m watching unfold in real life.
This is my bad dream. My nightmare. Anorexia has locked me up & she’s disguised herself as me. Anorexia is out there in my body..using it as a host. Using my motivation to drive her own desires.
I want to get out of here so badly it hurts, but whilst ever anorexia is out there draining the soul out of me & letting her soul flow in..I become weaker & more hopeless. I can’t seem to escape & that scares me. I might die here. I want to ask for help, but anorexia won’t let me do that – she tells me she’ll make everything okay again. I know she won’t. I do know that much. I also know how much help I’ve had in the past, as well as help I’m having in the present & that is, in part, why it feels so scary to admit my struggles all over again when I feel as though I should be able to do all of this on my own by now. How can I be struggling whilst I’m receiving external support? How dare I have that privilege. My inner critic won’t rest & constantly reminds me of the people out there unable to access treatment & it is those people who have ‘the right’ to struggle..not me. I was one of those people once. I was desperate, but not quite ‘ill enough’, but what others sometimes fail to see is that accessing treatment doesn’t suddenly end your illness & it certainly doesn’t suddenly make the battle an easy one. We judge people for not trying hard enough & then we internalise that pressure & put it on ourselves & then we fall & we fall hard. I’m in a catch-22. I’m scared of being trapped here, but I’m also scared of what’s out there at the moment. I’m scared of everything, but when I amit that…anorexia laughs & calls me weak & pathetic & so I sit here in this dark room silently observing the chaos that is bound to unfold. Anorexia feeling afraid of me getting better & me feeling afraid of never getting better.
Anorexia knows what to say. She knows how to answer questions for me to keep herself going…to keep herself stronger than me. I feel angry. I feel angry for this illness coming into my life. I feel angry for the pain & damage it creates with everything that it touches, but most of all…I feel angry with myself for not being strong enough to take back control of my life & fight.
The desire to fight is not lost. I’m tired, but I do want to get my life back from this illness & I won’t let anybody ever tell me that I don’t want it enough! The only thing that’s stopping me is not knowing how to get out of pandora’s box…it’s not knowing how to re-project my motivation in a different direction away from the eating disorder consuming me.
Anorexia is wreaking havoc physically & mentally whilst I stand here at war with myself in my mind.