20th-26th July ~ Twenty-Twenty.

So Monday…I’ve already documented the 20th in a previous blog post – it was a bit of a right-off tbh, so my week started on Tuesday instead. 😂

Tuesday – I woke up feeling a lot better psychologically. Got up, showered & dressed straight away, so there was no loitering in bed allowing time for the sadness to sink in. Went for a drive out with mum & Pippa & we ended up in TKmaxx again – I found some hoodies..a long one & a floral one (I particularly liked the flowery one). I do enjoy a hoodie – I like to just throw one on when I’m feeling bloated or facing weight restoration because they’re just really comfortable & loose if your body image is particularly bad. I also found drawer knobs…finally! 💎 I’ve been wanting to change the drawer & cupboard knobs in my bedroom for 2.5 years, but whenever I discover patterned ones or crystal ones there’s never enough! I need 23 for my bedroom & I’ve never quite found 23, so when I found 4 boxes of 6…I had to buy them even though I wasn’t intending on spending anymore money. 🤦‍♀️ Then I braved it in a supermarket with mum & Pippa & a book 📖 caught my attention, as it feeds into my medical interest! 😆 I was going to buy it myself, then my mum took over & got it for me. I’m rather looking forward to reading it! 😊 I’m not actually the best at sitting & concentrating on reading, but if I find something that’s particularly great… I manage to read for a while, so hopefully this book will be that way. The day was nice until I started with really bad IBS pains… stabbing pains on my right side & then on my left… the kind that stop you in your tracks & make you grab your stomach. 🙄 I normally have a lot of discomfort & bloating, but typically know my trigger foods, but this wasn’t even that…I don’t get these type of cramps that often & I’m still not really sure what the trigger was, but it just wasn’t good & I started feeling a bit disorientated with it. Goodness knows! 🤷‍♀️ Just to make it worse…I then had travel nausea the entire way home – it’s one of those things your parents tell you you’ll ‘grow out of’, but nope…26 & still feel awful as a backseat passenger. 🤢 On the upside of life, all was good again when I got back home 👌 – I took my Buscopan, had a shot of Gaviscon & took an antiemetic & the stomach pains & nausea melted away. 😌😆 I’m not usually very good at taking medications that help, but when it comes to digestive health…I’ll do anything to make it better, because it just doesn’t help ED wise if not & being autistic…I think I find the discomfort generally more distressing. 🤷‍♀️

Wednesday – It was a challenge not to wear my FitBit, but I survived! It’s much nicer being able to wear a pretty watch rather than a bulky monitoring watch for a change! I also wore ‘proper’ clothes again, which I’ve been trying to do a bit more, because I need to get out of the habit of always putting sportswear & trainers on because I really need to avoid things that may trigger me to increase my exercise again. I realise pink patent brogues might not be everybody’s cup of tea, but I quite like them so I’m quite happy to wear them! 😆 Apart from that… pretty crockery! Asda always seem to do ‘Becca appropriate’ crockery sets! 😂 I’ve added their newest unicorn 🦄 design to my crockery collection! 🙊 I find food a bit more appealing when it’s placed on pretty plates/bowls…it just gives me a little bit more motivation & I think every little bit of motivation you can find is essential! Anything that may help is always worth giving a try! I also saw another 2 books of medical interest in Asda, so now I have 3 new books to read when it’s a rainy day. 😊

Thursday – I had a slightly unscheduled appointment on Thursday morning. (I say slightly because I was supposed to have a meeting, but it’s been rearranged, but also…I needed to speak to someone from the team, so I arranged to speak to my psychologist the day before, so yeah…a scheduled, not-scheduled appointment? 🤔😂). Anyway… I was really grateful to my psychologist because I needed some clarity about something to put my mind at ease & I didn’t realise until the appointment, but…I also needed to get some things off my chest about what’s been happening at home & also some of my thoughts/feelings about things, so we talked about more than I’d initially planned, but I’m thankful because it was really helpful. 😊 The washing machine was delivered today – boring adult stuff, but I felt satisfied knowing I’d ordered one for my parents that identically matched the tumble dryer, so this saddo over here was happy for a washing machine delivery! 😂 I was also just really glad that I could finally do some washing after it breaking at the weekend! I also changed the drawer & wardrobe handles in my room & now my room looks extra sparkly, which I find very satisfying – it’s even better when the sun shines on them in the morning. ☺️✨

Friday – Started today with my phone upgrade arriving. I haven’t bothered getting one of the newest phones this time..I’ve been quite happy with my iPhone 7 after having Sony phone’s for over 10years, so I just ordered another iPhone 7 but with 4x the storage instead of the crappy 32gb I’ve had for the past 2 years. It was mainly driven by the fact that tbh… I just wanted another rose gold phone so it still matches my Beats (& various other rose gold items I possess) & because I just really like rose gold! 😂 I like to be colour-coordinated! I also just don’t really feel as though phone’s are advancing much anymore. I always thought it was worth having the newest models because of the features & on Sony’s… the high megapixel camera’s, but tbh…the cameras & batteries on Sony’s just seem to depreciate quick & then you have an expensive contract for a phone that’s not worth it anymore. This time I’ve just ordered the phone I’ve been using but with more storage space, a much better internet package, but with a phone contract that’s now 2/3 of the price just because it isn’t the latest model anymore – I feel like I’m finally becoming wiser at 26? 🤔😂 Well…I’m probably not, but I can pretend. 🤷‍♀️ I also spoke to a new staff member for ICS (intensive community support) today (she’s not new to the service, but I mean..she’s my new worker as the previous lady has just left). I’m continuing with ICS again as of next week – I’m scared to be completely honest! I feel anxious about eating with a person that I’ve only met once or twice before in a group setting… I’m sure it will be fine & I’m sure she’ll be lovely, but I think it’s natural to still feel anxious about it…especially when the eating part is already a challenge itself & because it’s obviously still online, so it’s not the most natural environment either. I feel as though I’ve veered off course more just recently – I think there are a number of reasons why, but it ultimately boils down to using the ED as a coping mechanism whenever I become emotionally overwhelmed. I’m sure things will pick up again with a bit more of a routine & structure again & I also have the self-awareness about it…I’m not in denial, but it’s still tough. I also spoke with my GP today. I’m lucky because I have a really fantastic doctor & generally just a really positive therapeutic relationship. I feel like a pain most of the time, because given the nature of these illnesses…life isn’t always straight forward & I feel like I take up too much time. No matter what though…I’m never made to feel as though I’m a pain of a patient, so that’s obviously good…I think it’s just me over-analysing because I know I go over the time-limit & it’s just my personality whereby I’ll feel bad for putting others behind time…I’m like that with anything though, so it’s not just isolated to speaking to my GP.. I just think about it more because I know how pushed for time GP’s are. Anyway…I felt as though it was another helpful phone-call & I managed to get my meds sorted & annual ECG booked in too & it was helpful to just get things off my chest & just overall feel supported. The thing I really didn’t look forward to doing today though was weighing myself & then self-reporting. It’s one of those situations where it’s lose-lose. (Sorry for the terrible, unintentional pun 🙊) If you lose weight…you know yourself that it isn’t conducive to recovery & you get those thoughts where you think ‘Shit!.. I’m gonna be in trouble!’ Almost like you’re back at school & the healthcare workers are the teachers. 🙊😂 At the same time though..the ED makes you feel slightly (and temporarily) better about yourself. On the other hand…if it’s a gain…you know you don’t have to have any awkward ‘tellings off’ & deep down ‘YOU’ know that it’s the right thing & the best thing for your body, but…the ED gives you a really hard time over it & you emotionally just feel crap. It’s all just muddled, but it was what it was & I have to do these self-reporting weigh-ins as part of the monitoring. Aside from all that..I continued decorating some fairy things I made in the afternoon. In the evening I tidied up part of the garden underneath the conifer tree as I was just so sick of the excessive amount of soil in that area that keeps falling & covering my fairy path, as well as reducing the size of the huge pile of fallen conifer debris beneath the tree as I’m equally fed-up of that blowing onto things. I’m still questioning why I ever started fairy gardening…I’ve always hated bugs & getting dirty & I’m kind of coping with that with the help of wearing gloves, but in terms of perfectionism & obsessions & compulsions…it’s a very intricate hobby to stress over. 😂🤦‍♀️ Like, I really want it to stay pretty & clean & tidy, but….it’s also outdoors & unfortunately I have no say as to how the weather will act, so the tidiness of it all can be quite a high-maintenance task on a daily basis. 🙊 At least it’s keeping me well occupied & it’s given me the chance to begin a new hobby & also reignite a previous passion with my creative side.

Saturday – It was a task to get up this morning – I was tired last night, so I went to sleep, but completely forgot to take my Quetiapine, so although I managed to get to sleep… I was in restless sleep until 2am & then I gave up & went downstairs at 3am to take the 25mg of Quetiapine I should have had at about 10pm. 🤦‍♀️ I got to sleep, but then it meant I was a bit groggy when I was trying to wake up at 8am. I dragged myself out of bed after laying there on my phone for another hour. 🙈 I pretty much spent the day making some more things for the fairy garden. I keep thinking of something else I want to do to it & then end up making something. There’s a section where the cheeky little sparrows hop along beneath the large conifer we have, which is cute & everything until I realise they’ve knocked dry soil over the fairy path again, which then means I have to dust it with a brush (legit look like an archeologist when I’m doing it & the neighbours probably think I’m insane, but..they’d be right, so I don’t really care 😂). I’ve decided I need to do something to protect the path for the fairies. 😆🙊 I’ve been sawing up wooden dowels into varying sized pieces (between 2-5cms) & then sanding the ends into a point & decorating them – I’ve pushed some of them into the ground by one side of the path, so that any soil that does fall will just fall into the dowel ‘fence’ instead. It’s an idea that’s worked on the small bit I’ve done, but it’s also an idea that’s now taking me an age to create! (At the cost of having worn-out hands 🙊). Had a bath afterwards because my lacking energy level meant that I couldn’t face washing my hair in the shower! It takes ages to wash when it’s wavy, knotted & over 2 feet long & I just wasn’t feeling standing up for that long, so I went in the bath to do it instead. Went for a walk in the woods by the reservoir with my dad again in the evening.

Sunday – More fairy garden creating today. I was downstairs by 7am…no trouble getting up this morning, in fact…quite the opposite. There’s not much of a consistency to how I feel physically…it can yo-yo quite a bit – very much like my mood I suppose. 🤔😂 Honestly though, my mood has fluctuated today – for a long time I did genuinely wonder whether I had some kind of mood disorder…I know I have recurrent depressive disorder & have had periods of time where I haven’t been able to find any sense of hope, but when my depressive symptoms are better I find my mood really fluctuates dramatically throughout the day. I know why though now – being diagnosed with ASD has made me realise a lot of things about myself & it’s helped me understand myself better & make sense of my difficulties more, but I’ve also learnt a lot about the condition variation in general & did a course about ASD earlier in the year where I learnt some more. I’ve learnt that those of us who are on the spectrum are much more likely to experience quick mood variations & it’s to do with a multitude of things – it could be sensory overload or lack of sensory experience, it could be to do with other people & social experience or it could be to do with emotions & either struggling to identify it or struggling to express it appropriately or express it in general & the emotions may feel overwhelming, so there’s a whole host of things that can then impact our mood. On top of being autistic I also think part of my personality that’s linked with Anorexia also has an impact, for example ‘fragile self-esteem’, so sometimes I can feel okay, but if something I perceive as ‘negative’ occurs..that can bring my self-esteem through the floor & it feels unbearable & I can’t see the bigger picture. A negative (sometimes really little negatives others would ‘shake off’) will just lead to my mood plummeting. Anorexia in general also adds to mood swings – physically due to blood sugar levels falling & mentally depending on what the ED voice is saying. Anyway…I’m ranting on about the reasons behind the mood swings, but it is important to identify those reasons & try & deal with them & help yourself the best way that you can. So today’s been up & down, but I’ve been riding the waves like a mermaid 🧜‍♀️ would, 😏 so all is good overall because I’ve dealt with it & allowed myself to feel what I’ve felt. 👌 So… the garden has a few more little fairy additions, I’ve also been to my grandparents house & taken a couple of smaller stones from their garden to add as stepping stones to the fairy garden, because I keep stepping on the soil & messing it up or.. I leap across to the bigger stones or practically do lunges across whilst watering the plants & the neighbours must wonder what kind of weird gymnastics I’m doing, so yeah… I have two little ones to step on now instead. It’ll also be nice to have these stones reminding me of my grandparents, which probably sounds odd, but my grandad was an avid gardener & I’m sure he’d have been pleased for me to have gotten into gardening. They’ve both passed away now, but I now feel as though I have a small part of them in our garden – I also feel like a stone thief though. 😂 We still have their house, but those stones have probably been there since grandad designed the house & had it built back in the 1950’s…there’s still about another 50 on the front garden though, so I’m sure they wouldn’t have minded. 🤞🙊 I’ve also done some therapy work (thought challenging & writing) & went on a walk locally – on the way back we went through the field that runs parallel to our little Close & I got to stroke one of the horses that happily roam the field day-in-day-out – I’ve never been horse riding, but it’s always something I’ve wanted to do. I think horses are such beautiful, elegant animals. The horses in the field next to us are so friendly & tame & it’s just nice to be able to take a couple of minutes out to just enjoy the horses & the nature. 😊

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