My mind’s having a bit of a stress over life today, because I want to recover so much & it’s painful to still be constantly fighting it, but if that wasn’t already stressful enough…these flipping TV programmes that are being aired have left me feeling even more frustrated! I want to tell someone off for encouraging such disordered behaviours & for ‘normalising’ dangerous eating! It annoys me a lot that we focus so much on obesity…that people just don’t care about the damage they’re causing or how much more difficult they’re making recovery from eating disorders, so yeah… I’m venting my frustrations because I can’t have a conversation with the makers of the show or with the prime minister! 😂🤦♀️🙄 And I’m also venting my frustrations at myself because recovery feels really tough lately! It’s not going to end with me losing my battle to Anorexia…that is not where my story is heading, but if it was possible to kick my bottom myself…I would! 😆 Because I need to up my game!
I haven’t lost a lot of weight quickly like I have done in the past, but over the past 2 years… I’ve lost consistently & when you add it up… it’s quite a lot. I’m down 20% of what I was 2years ago & it may not seem like a lot (or it might? I’m too disordered to really know), but it’s quite a bit when I was only ever in the ‘healthy’ range in the first instance, so potentially didn’t ‘need’ to.
I hated getting to that point because the weight gain didn’t happen in a healthy way (so it was never something to be congratulated over), but this weight loss also hasn’t happened in a healthy way either. You’d think I might manage being heavier because I’ve been heavier before & coped with it to a degree.. I was actually at my heaviest at 17 but my heavier, ‘healthy weight’ was never maintained by a healthy diet or with healthy thoughts & behaviours.
Despite knowing that I’m physically underweight right now… it still never makes weight restoration any less scary. Even after living at a healthy weight for a while.. once the numbers have been going down.. the thought of seeing them go up again is absolutely terrifying, especially when the eating disorder is desperately craving a lower number. I haven’t had to deal with seeing consistent increases for 2 years now, so just the concept of that altering seems odd purely because I’m not used to another way.
It’s also difficult with this illness because your eating disorder is constantly reminding you that you’ve ‘been worse’ or that you’ve ‘lost more before’. It tells you that you don’t ‘need’ to restore weight because you’re not ‘ill enough’, because you’ve weighed much less & because ‘you’re not that underweight’ .. so it doesn’t matter. My team brought up my weight loss when my BMI was still healthy a few Kg’s ago & my doctor’s always raised concerns with the ‘grey area’ (18.5-20) for all the years that I’ve spoken to her anyway, because the grey area doesn’t leave you with reserves if you were to fall ill for whatever reason & despite it still being categorised as ‘healthy’…you actually do score marks on the malnutrition index if you’re in that grey zone. Most teams also like you above the magic ‘20’ marker for the reason that very few people would naturally be below that anyway & the ‘J curve’ shows optimum health/lowest mortality risk being at the highest end of the healthy range anyway (despite what society tells you ‘healthy’ is). I know they all had a point that I needed to stop it from falling further, but in my head.. all my mind was telling me was that I needed to lose just a bit more, so I was ‘ill enough’ to deserve to put the energy into recovering. It makes no sense at all, but Anorexia never does make sense! It’s also something that I’d never say to anybody else, but yet still apply to myself. Nothing is ever good enough for Anorexia. It’s all a massive trick & you believe the same lies over & over.
Here I am again… under where I ought to be, under the magical number & lower than that grey area & do I feel like I deserve to restore weight now?… no. Of course I don’t. I don’t feel anymore deserving now than I did a few kilograms ago. I never feel that way, because no weight will ever be low enough. Anorexia will, of course, tell you that it will be enough, but each time you get to the number she asked you to get to…she resets the bar…constantly lowering that bar.
Now?…my brain’s more undernourished & so it’s even more difficult again to fight than it already was. It’s difficult feeling as though I even need to be doing better than where I’m currently at because your mind constantly tells you that you’re fine. Even society does, because we see images of people all of the time where they’re either a bit underweight or at least on the low side of ‘healthy’ (usually with airbrushed flat stomachs & so forth) & so… how can you possibly recognise that you need to restore weight when thinness is always being promoted & encouraged?
It’s difficult in a world where we have diet & weight loss being shoved in our faces all of the time with the never ending stream of TV programmes encouraging dangerous dieting. Our country (and the ‘western world’) in particular is so obsessed with trying to ‘tackle obesity’ that it literally doesn’t give a fuck about the smaller percentage of people who it’s going to hit the most…they don’t care if there’s a few deaths along the way because they hide behind saying ‘advice was aimed at the overweight population’, as though it makes any kind of difference & also failing to recognise that overweight people can have eating disorders too, whilst also failing to recognise how disordered they’re even making the non-ED population because much of the advice is actually rather harmful. It’s one thing to recognise disordered thoughts & a disordered society, but it’s another thing then being able to do something about your own disorder. How do you restore weight when you don’t actually believe or see that you’re underweight? How do you do it when everybody else is giving one another a pat on the back for weight loss, as though it’s the most amazing achievement they could ever make in life? It’s flipping tough!
I know I want to do all of the things I need to & I honestly just want to do exactly what the ED team suggests, but it still doesn’t make it easy to do so because there’s this powerful disorder that’s so strong that it makes you feel completely powerless & hopeless. Losing weight isn’t always a sign of strength…for some of us it’s a sign of weakness because we feel too weak to fight.
Nonetheless… I still go on. I’ll still work with the amazing help I’m being given right now, but never underestimate how difficult a thing an illness like this is. If it was as simple as to ‘just eat’…we would. I’d order from the ‘just eat’ flipping app & be done with it! People say it as though we haven’t tried that option or as though we don’t like food. We have tried to ‘just eat’ & we do like the taste of food. Thank you for being patronising though, because it’s obviously just so helpful!
Funnily enough though… this thing isn’t in any way, shape or form…easy.